Wait it Out

Do you know that it's been about love? Do you know that love is the whisper of these lips? The beat within this heart? The movement inside this soul? If that is not something that has even touched your mind, then you have not known this soul. For one can pour out the depths of one's self before you, but one cannot be the feeling itself, forcing understanding.

Sometimes my tears are absolutely silent. It's as if they are this little secret I am keeping to myself.

...

Where do we go from here? How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions
Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
It cuts me with every could have been

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting

Everybody says time heals everything
But what of the wretched hollow, the endless inbetween?
Are we just going to wait it out?

I don't know of anyone who writes lyrics like Imogen Heap.

Desperate for Some Kind of Contact

Why do I expect one to reach out to me? Why do I expect one to hear my cries? I don't suppose I do. In fact, I believe it is the very truth that one won't that makes me so desperate for one to do so.

These last couple of days I have been writing letters. The initial purpose was to complete my "assignment" as we all had to write letters to two people, whose names we drew from a hat. However, I wrote more than two letters. I actually wrote six. Seven if you include a message I sent, which was essentially a letter. I got out a lot of emotion in those letters. A lot of feelings that needed to come out. A lot of words that needed to be said. I have to wonder, though, what will go through these people's minds as they read their letters. Or what did, for the one who already read his. It took me much time to write those. That's time I will never get back. Time I invested in those people, because it was important enough to me to do so.

It will be interesting to see who wrote me letters and what they had to say.

...

Sometimes, a friend is truly what I need. I think sometimes I become clingy. Not constantly clingy, but for maybe a day or so. When that happens, it is really because I need the one to whom I have clung. I just need that person to be my friend. I'm not sure why I do that, exactly. I suppose I am trying to protect myself from becoming lost among all these faces. I am desperate for some kind of contact.

Yesterday, Matt and Kaitlyn were my only two friends.
I told them so, too.

And I hope this week improves, as the start has given me heartache.

I was Inspired Today

I visited my [AMAZING] friend today. I went to a writing class with her, and her prof. was really awesome. He wrote three topics on the board and we chose one to journal about. They were "Anger", "I will never...", and "The one thing I always wanted but never got". I wrote about anger. When everyone was done, some shared. Though I'm not typically okay with reading my own writing in a classroom setting, I was one who shared.

Anger is a very tricky thing. It is an emotion, which on the surface seems quite simple. People may scream, yell, and throw things, or simply cry to find some release. But what makes anger so complex is that it is often used as a cover. Although anger may be the emotion one expresses, a different one often lies underneath. I believe a common one is hurt, because hurt tends to make one vulnerable and exposed. Wearing anger as a mask can make one feel more in control and protected. It is for this reason that I believe we should not judge one based on an appearance of being an angry person. For what one may be hiding underneath is something you do not know.

Some were deep, some were not-so-deep, some poems and some stories. One of the funniest, I must say, was about nailing Miley Cyrus with some pepper spray.

This video is what got me through this past week. It's two songs. The first is called "Music Box". The second is "I'll Be Okay" by the Desperation Band.

...

It's crazy how we don't truly know what it is that we want. How our hearts make decisions that our minds disagree with. How we choose to feel without including our thoughts. Or how we think and disregard the desires within. One is not better than the other, for each have a way about them. In each the two become independent - the one separates itself from the other. But in neither is the picture complete. While one may make more sense at the time, I don't believe it can lead you correctly. The mind must bring logic and the reasoning necessary, but you must allow your heart to feel.

Skip a Beat

I have come to believe that the worst part of a bad day is not in the midst of it. It is when you realize that you have lost the hope you once had in tomorrow.

Where is this heart of mine?
It is lost, and yet I know exactly where it has gone.

Perhaps the pieces of this soul are all around you. Perhaps I have not hidden them from you, for I fear you would not care to search. Perhaps I have not placed a mask over them, for I fear you would not try to see. Perhaps I have kept them close to you, for I fear you would not travel far. But perhaps I have not released them to you, for I fear you would not return.

...

My lips will speak of love for you
Only when such is true.
Every word that passes your lips
Goes through these eyes of blue.

These ears are tuned to what they hear.
They hold their own quite well.
And how this heart should choose to respond
Only time can tell.

The nature to embrace you
May sit well upon this heart.
But without the matching ending
I will not see the start.

You may tell me that you love me
And this heart has chosen you.
But if truly you do love me
Make it clear in what you do.

©FlyAway180 2009

This weekend has taught me a lot. Last night was Evergreen Evening, and though I did not care to sing and I just wished for it to end, it really was a good night. For the first time in a while I was able to go out to eat with some friends and enjoy myself. It felt nice getting to know my friends a little better. The funny thing is, I have been friends with those people for quite some time. A couple of them I used to be really close with, we have just drifted apart over the years. One of them I rarely get to talk to, and the last one I have recently been getting to know better. And, Applebees is already amazing =)

One of my friends and I went to the mall afterward and just hung out until it was time to go to the church. She is a good friend of mine and has been for quite some time, but after talking to her yesterday, I realized that I don't truly know her anymore. I found out a couple of things about her that I did not know, and it made me see how little I really know about some of my "good" friends.

The actual evening itself was alright. Our song went well, I heard. I thought the girls sounded pretty good. The guys... well, I have my opinions about them. Of course we weren't up there very long. After all, we did only sing one song (because we're not good, haha). So we hung out upstairs, talking and whatnot. During that time also, I found out some things about some of my friends that I had not known. It was interesting. I had fun.

Tomorrow should be good as well. More time with friends (even though we are meeting to do homework, haha). Then some hanging out.

Sometimes I think people forget that I like going out and having fun.
In fact, I crave it.